The tapeworm joke is Derby’s. In Phoenixiana (1856), p. 96, he says he does not think he has a tape worm, “therefore I have no claim whatever to call myself ‘we.’” He lists no monarchs or editors. The earliest three-part version Quote Investigator ↗ found is Senator Roscoe Conkling’s 1877 “emperors, editors, and men with a tape-worm”; the “monarchs” wording is a later variant.
“Only Monarchs, Editors, and People with Tapeworms Have the Right to Use the Editorial 'We'” George H. Derby (“John Phoenix”), Phoenixiana; or, Sketches and Burlesques (New York: D. Appleton, 1856), p. 96: “I do not think I have a tape worm, therefore I have no claim whatever to call myself ‘we.’” The “monarchs, editors, and people with tapeworms” version is a later expansion, after Roscoe Conkling’s 1877 quip. Not Mark Twain. (Quotle.info)
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? We couldn’t establish where this was first published, so there’s no rights status to give. Credit it as shown above — just don’t present it as public domain, and get permission for commercial or published reuse.
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In context
Evoking the world of George H. Derby — American humorist (“John Phoenix,” “Squibob”) & U.S. Army topographical engineer. Theme: "Only Monarchs, Editors, and People with Tapeworms Have the Right to Use the Editorial 'We'". Atmospheric and restrained, cinematic directional light, a muted period-appropriate palette, fine grain and texture. Compose with generous empty space for the quote and a small credit line. No lettering in the image itself.
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Provenance
Where Derby actually wrote it
Work
Phoenixiana; or, Sketches and Burlesques
Author
“John Phoenix” (George H. Derby)
Published
New York: D. Appleton and Company, 1856 (copyright entered 1855)
Page
p. 96, in the sketch where Phoenix takes over the San Diego Herald
It will be perceived that I have not availed myself of the editorial privilege of using the plural pronoun in referring to myself. This is simply because I consider it a ridiculous affectation. I am a “lone, lorn man,” unmarried (the Lord be praised for his infinite mercy), and though blessed with a consuming appetite “which causes the keepers of the house where I board to tremble,” I do not think I have a tape worm, therefore I have no claim whatever to call myself “we,” and I shall by no means fall into that editorial absurdity.
Transcribed from the 1856 D. Appleton edition, scanned by Cornell University Library. There are no “monarchs” or “editors” in Derby’s text. His joke is only about the tapeworm.
Quote Investigator traces the joke to Derby. Its earliest citation is a November 1855 review in The Knickerbocker that quotes the passage before the book came out: Quote Investigator ↗.
The 1856 Appleton edition of Phoenixiana prints the tapeworm passage on p. 96: Internet Archive scan ↗.
In 1877 Senator Roscoe Conkling, mocking President Hayes, made it a list: “They are emperors, editors, and men with a tape-worm.” QI thinks Conkling probably built on Derby’s joke: Quote Investigator ↗.
In a 2010 ADS-L post, Garson O’Toole reported that Ben Zimmer had found the joke in Phoenixiana and that it was quoted in the November 1855 Knickerbocker: ADS-L archive ↗.
Derby’s own passage appears in Phoenixiana, published in 1856. A work that old is in the U.S. public domain. The popular “monarchs, editors, and people with tapeworms” wording, however, cannot be traced to any single identifiable source, so we claim no rights status for that phrasing.
Rights status is our research, not legal advice — and copyright varies by country and edition. For commercial or published use, confirm with the rightsholder. See terms.
Fact-check
Who else gets the credit
The joke has been pinned on many people. The Twain, Ingersoll and Nye credits all appeared after those men had died (QI). Quote Investigator’s timeline shows each new name was added decades after Derby first made the joke.
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Popular creditMark Twain Most common
QI’s earliest Twain credit is a lecturer quoted in the Ogden Examiner on June 10, 1914, after Twain’s death. QI calls the support weak. Modern pieces still repeat it, though War on the Rocks ↗ notes it “wasn’t him.”
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Three-part versionRoscoe Conkling Real, but later
In 1877 the senator named “emperors, editors, and men with a tape-worm.” That is the earliest three-part version QI found, and QI credits it to him, noting he probably built on Derby: Quote Investigator ↗. The “monarchs” wording is a later variant.
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Posthumous creditBill Nye (Edgar Wilson Nye)
Godey’s Magazine credited Nye in April 1897, the year after he died. QI found no direct quotation from him: Quote Investigator ↗.
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Posthumous creditRobert Ingersoll
Credited by the Los Angeles Times in October 1914. QI rates this credit as weak: Quote Investigator ↗.
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Stray creditsHorace Porter / John Fiske; Henry David Thoreau
An 1893 report has Porter crediting Fiske, and an 1895 report gives the joke to Porter himself. QI judged a 1989 Thoreau attribution spurious: Quote Investigator ↗.
✓Derby made the tapeworm joke in print by 1855–56. Conkling gave a three-part version (emperors, editors, men with a tape-worm) in 1877, and other three-part versions followed (royalty, editors, people with a tape-worm by 1897). QI does not trace the exact “monarchs” wording: Quote Investigator ↗.
Context
Why it mattered
The editorial “we” was standard in 19th-century newspapers. When Derby took temporary charge of the San Diego Herald, he used his first column to refuse it. He called the plural pronoun “a ridiculous affectation” that only a man with a tapeworm could justify.
The joke worked because it punctured self-importance, so it kept getting reused. Conkling turned it on a president, and later speakers attached it to whichever famous humorist their audience knew. That is how a California army officer’s gag ended up as a “Mark Twain quote.”
I do not think I have a tape worm, therefore I have no claim whatever to call myself “we.”
Explore
Filed under
More provenance-checked quotes on the same theme, each with its reuse status.
1823–1861 · American humorist (“John Phoenix,” “Squibob”) & U.S. Army topographical engineer
George Horatio Derby was a lieutenant in the U.S. Army’s Corps of Topographical Engineers. Writing as “John Phoenix,” he became one of the earliest humorists of the American West. His California newspaper sketches were collected as Phoenixiana; or, Sketches and Burlesques (1856). That book includes his famous six-issue stint in charge of the San Diego Herald in August 1853, when he switched the paper from Democrat to Whig.
For writers & researchers
Cite this
Primary source
John Phoenix [George H. Derby], Phoenixiana; or, Sketches and Burlesques (New York: D. Appleton and Company, 1856), 96. For the three-part form, see Roscoe Conkling, quoted in the Daily Illinois State Journal, October 19, 1877, p. 2, as cited by Quote Investigator.
This verification page
Quotle.info. “Who really said ‘Only Monarchs, Editors, and People with Tapeworms Have the Right to Use the Editorial 'We'’?” Last verified 1 Nov 2026. https://quotle.info/who-said/only-monarchs-editors-and-people-with-tapeworms-have-the/